Following their recent amicable, online bun fight with Whitby Pavilion operators, SIV, Top Mum are set to show the gothic world that they’re far from done.

In what many see as a move reminiscent of Danny DeVito’s ‘see what you’re missing’ naked, beach photo shoot which was clearly aimed at wife Rhea Pearlman following a brief marital breakdown in the late 90s, WGW chief, Jo Hampshire has put the ‘ostp’ firmly back into postpunk.

Whilst many, barely interested festival goers would have expected a mediocre, one-miss-wonder 80s pop group with no original members, Top Mum have raised the ambivalence stakes further still by booking a Meatloaf tribute act for their big goth night out, hosted in a fish and chip restaurant.

Three spokespeople for the biannual, ‘official festival’ which celebrates all things dark, gothic and alternative and is widely regarded across the UK and beyond as generally doing anything but supported the news. Speaking from the lounge of a pub, long since boycotted by organisers, the trio talked up the booking of the sweaty, soft-rock-ballad yodeller’s lookalike.

Shouty Nonzenss quietly wept, whilst Iyam Witderband stared open mouthed into the middle distance. Freya Loada, meanwhile ‘liked’ Gothtown on Facebook before simply getting up and leaving.

It is understood that both Gothtown and Absinthe Promotions, accused in the past of riding the coattails of WGW and Top Mum have taken note of the announcement. Absinthe are seeking to introduce stand up performances at their own events to mirror Top Mum’s shift from music to comedy in recent years, whilst an official Gothtown statement, printed on a promotional beermat showed a clear response by announcing a new event dubbed, ‘A Slow And Painful Death’.

We reached out to SIV for comment on Top Mum’s ‘come and get me’ plea, but we were unable to understand what was said during the brief call, due to what we’re assuming to have been a leak of laughing gas at their HQ.

Whitby resident, Aletaster Walking boot was pictured earlier today in Dunedin, New Zealand wearing a t-shirt bearing the slogan, ‘NO WORDS’. At 18,852 miles, Dunedin is the farthest, populated place on Earth from Whitby.


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