North Korea & Goths Unite.

In its recent quest to adopt more Westernised lifestyle behaviours, North Korea has formed an unlikely alliance with social media savvy goths to learn more about Facebook.

The notoriously secretive nation had been recently receiving tutelage from group administrators but was finally handed the reins to the Whitby Gothic Weekend (Uncensored) group for a more hands on experience.

The group, whose profile picture has since been changed to a portrait of Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un is described as ‘Uncensored, freedom of speech, no political agendas, mobile disco hire’ and had become a refuge for goths who felt that their right to fair comment in other related groups on the platform was being denied.

Reporting on progress the project, North Korean Central TV, the state operated news outlet said the trial was going well in that so far one hundred and forty seven dissenters had been banished, seventy four spies imprisoned and as many as thirty eight traitors rounded up and shot. However, they admit that senior officials are still getting to grips with the term, ‘uncensored’

Former group chancellor, DJ Zanypants Discoball initially welcomed the move and said that it had given him the opportunity to perform at a children’s party in Pyongyang, featuring Kids Krazy Korner with face painting and balloon animals and playing a heavily edited version of ‘Agadoo’ on loop. DJ Zanypants Discoball has subsequently been sentenced to twenty five years hard labour for attempting to initiate a ‘conga’.

In a meeting with WGW organisers and supporters in the lounge of a pub long since boycotted by organisers and supporters, attendees remained tight lipped whilst being prodded in the ribs by the barrel of an AK-47 assault rifle, brandished by their companions who had entered into the spirit of the occasion by dressing as members of North Korea’s State Security Department.

Other event organisers have also gone to great lengths to aid the project with Sexy Sunday’s Hazel Fettler sealing herself in a black polythene wrapper and sitting on the top shelf of a news agent’s magazine rack for the duration of the trial.

Tomorrow’s Ghost organiser, Kirstin Lavender has meanwhile had a portrait of The Supreme Leader tattooed on her left buttock and is now the group’s sole surviving member and contributor.

We reached out to Whitby resident, Aletaster Walkingboot for comment and his statement has been published on the group’s page; “…”.

Mr Walkingboot’s family are currently appealing for information as to his whereabouts.

 

 

 

 

 

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Goth Split Splinters

Whilst the biannual gathering of Goths at a North Yorkshire coastal town is still coming to terms with a date split between Top Mum and Absinthe Promotions, news has broken of a further twenty four promoters running events on different weekends at Whitby.

Whitby Goth Year is being pushed as an opportunity for Goths to celebrate their lifestyle on every weekend.

Among the promoters peddling distorted Sisters Of Mercy tracks through inadequate sound systems are ‘Goth Promotions’, ‘Gothic Promotions’, ‘Promotion Of Goth’ and ‘Gothmotions’.

Speaking from the lounge of a pub long since boycotted by WGW organisers, WGW splinter group, ‘WGW2’ enthused over their planned ‘Seethe Pit’ where attendees will be able to moan about something and the ‘Past Boots’ which they described as a pair of New Rocks glued to the floor that customers can be welded into whilst flicking through a pile of old WGW programmes.

However, on the other side of the lounge of a pub that WGW organisers had long since boycotted, another WGW splinter group ‘WGW3’ have opted for a fresh approach with their ‘Whine Box’ and ‘History Footwear’.

Facebook has issued a warning over a limitation in normal service as an expected influx of screen shots will be posted to the platform by users with nothing better to do.

Whitby resident, Aletaster Walkingboot has meanwhile announced ‘Fuck This Infantile Shit Fest’ where locals are invited to leave the town for an undisclosed location.

And We’re Off!

A new look Biannual Gathering of Gothic Types in a Coastal North Yorkshire Town is well and truly underway.

The lounge of a pub long since boycotted by WGW officials is doing a roaring trade from WGW officials and the situation at the Whitby Pavilion has been been described as ‘unnervingly professional’.

The customery ‘Flyer, A Cackle & A Grope’ exercise from Sexy Sunday has commenced around the town’s hostelries whilst Gothtown’s own promotional activities have now reached the moons of Neptune.

Absinthe Promotions have been recognised by the British Flour Association for their purchase of eighteen tons of flour for Fields Of The Nephilim’s rider and Wom the cockroach has been inducted into the Elsinore’s dart team. It’s all good.

Have a great Whitby, enjoy yourselves and be safe, folks.

Breaking News: Wom In Resignation Shock.

News has filtered out of Top Mum HQ this afternoon that Wom the cockroach has resigned his position as WGW mascot, paving the way for a leadership challenge.

Associated with rubbish and rot, having unfathomable longevity that has baffled science for years and a very basic thought process, coupled with next to no problem solving skills, insiders see Wom as a perfect fit to grapple for power with Jo Hampshire, current figurehead of the beleaguered organisation.

News of the resignation was sombrely met by Absinthe Promotions whose tweet shortly afterwards summed up the mood, stating, “We are excited to be able to announce that a hologram of Robert Smith, circa 1986 will be headlining Tommorow’s Ghost’s October date in 2283 along with the original line up of Sisters Of Mercy who will be reanimated especially for the event!”

Meanwhile, reports have emerged that Gothtown have offered free entry to events for arachnids, invertebrates and those spindly-legged fly thingies that lurk in cupboards.

Wom’s own team have thus far resisted calls for comment, though WGW representatives have come out to show solidarity towards Top Mum. Speaking from the lounge of a pub that  organisers have long since boycotted, Minister Without A Clue, Ms. Anne Oying- Loudvoice demanded a cigarette from a customer then failed to return for our interview.

We reached out to Whitby resident, Aletaster Walkingboot for comment, but he attempted to throw our reporter into the harbour.

WGW Most Watched Drama Since Crossroads

Following the realese of social media drama ratings, WGW has emerged as the most watched since Benny lost his woollen hat in the much derided and barely watched soap.

Narrowly pipping Brexit, the Trump administration, poverty, the rise of the far-right, the Korean Peninsula, the fight against cancer and things that genuinely  matter in the world, WGW has become a mainstay of worthless comment, baseless argument and remote angst for opinionated goths everywhere.

Speaking from the lounge of a pub that organisers have long since boycotted, WGW press secretary, Howlong Mustikeepwritingthisshituntilyoulotfinallygetitintoyourthickfucking-Skulls remarked, “Who needs to worry about the state of the NHS, our exit of the European Union or the environment when we’ve got more than enough pointless crap for you to get your fishnets in a twist about?”

Absinthe Promotions, new inhabitants of the Whitby Pavilion during the bi-annual gathering of angry people, continually searching for things to be angry about have remained tight-lipped. Instead they appear to be pouring their efforts and resources into running a goth festival. Ms Mustikeepwritingthisshituntilyoulotfinallygetitintoyourthickfucking-Skulls had this to say, “Yeah, well, you know they’ve got cooties, don’t you? Enjoyment, pah, what a rediculus [sic] notion.” before pinching her nose and making a bad smell gesture.

Meanwhile, Whitby resident, Aletaster Walkingboot has today announced plans to build a perfect copy of the town a few miles further down the coast where inhabitants can have a nice cold pint and wait for it all to blow over.

Fears Over Hard Gothxit Grow

Following the announcement of a referendum to be held in April 2019, where Goths will be given the opportunity to vote on whether to remain in the WGW, or attend a Goth festival the following week instead, self proclaimed queen, owner, governess and high priestess of Whitby, Jo Hampshire has today cast doubt on an easy transition for festival  goers.

In a leaked document, thought to have been drafted by Wom the cockroach, details of an intended coalition with The Wig, Car Park & Balloon Party from The Kingdom Of Lesotho are outlined just below a smear of something resembling tomato ketchup or soup.

Commentators have suggested that this bold move could end any hopes of reducing the Gothxit divorce bill, thought to be in the region of eight pounds fifty. However, Professor of Economics at Filey University, Cal Culator believes that the figure has been greatly understated. “I believe the figure has been greatly understated,” he said, adding that the true figure could be “closer to nine quid. Not that it’ll get paid anyway.”

WGW Gothxit Minister, Screaming Darknavel insisted that draft copies rarely indicate any kind of final bill. Speaking from the lounge of a pub that organisers have long since boycotted, Mr Darknavel played down any kind of links with the African party. “I want to make this perfectly clear, we have absolutely  no intention whatsoever of working with them, but we probably will.” Wearing a tshirt featuring a design of Nigel Farage’s face superimposed onto the body of Christ with a rolled up copy of Smash Hits under one arm, the minister added, “Gothxit means Gothxit!”

A recent exit poll indicated that hardened supporters of Top Mum are firmly behind the proposals outlined in the leaked document, with all three of them giving a resounding thumbs up, though the expected border issue with Robin Hood’s Bay caused some concern with the purchase of the coastal village by owners of the Little A, Whitby Way, Dolphin and Raw Nightclub said to be imminent.

Meanwhile, Whitby resident, Aletaster Walkingboot has today announced plans to enter Whitby politics himself with the “We’re Really Getting Tired Of This Childish Crap’ party.

 

 

 

 

Spare Story, Guv?

Following a barnstorming event at Infest, alt press journos are scrabbling for news as the main players of the un/official accidental/deliberate gathering/assembly of Goths/post punk fans at a weekend/end of week in Whitby/North Yorkshire coastal town maintain radio silence.

As gloomy hacks awaken from a fucking brilliant weekend, spent with friends and organisers who manage the seemingly simple task of arranging a fantastic festival without initiating drama or making it about themselves, they have found rumour, scandal and division in scant supply.

Respected scribe of the occult, Jim Spinicker remarked, “Shit, we’re nothing without the constant, infantile, mother fucking bickering of mother fucking Whitby movers and shakers. Shit, in ‘09, the shit wrote itself, you dig, mother fucker? The shit wrote itself, baby!” the former Black Panthers press secretary remarked.

Whilst many believe that the lack of announcements are nothing new, Spinicker added, “Shit, mother fucker.”

Following Absinthe Promotions’ ‘Tomorrow’s Ghost’ shooting their muck far beyond anything Orson Scott Card could have visualised with Gothtown acting as their Klingon Empire, alt rock correspondents are at a loss.

Spinicker went on to state, “Aside from Wom the cockroach, the capitalist’s dream of a hastily erected market of trestle tables for Goths to throw their money at and an Andrew Eldritch impersonator appearing at the Endevour on the Thursday, WGW and Top Mum, the alleged official voice of the accidental/deliberate gathering/assembly of Goths/post punk fans at a weekend/end of week in Whitby/North Yorkshire coastal town have given us little to go on.

Speaking from the lounge of a pub that organisers have long since boycotted, official WGW leech, Bloodsucker Owtfornowt responded, “WGW will come back bigger and stronger….oh, sorry…Gothtown are tops…eh, what was that? My mistake, Absinthe are gonna totally own this…I get the ensuite, yeah?”

Meanwhile, reports have emerged that Whitby resident, Aletaster Walkingboot has put an offer in on a house in Bridlington.

Timberlake Demands Sexy Return.

Pop star, Justin Timberlake has cast doubt over Sexy Sunday, a long running event held at Whitby’s biannual pilgrimage of Goths.

The Can’t Stop The Feeling singer took to Twitter to reveal his intentions, following what has become a bitter feud with event organisers. “I brought Sexy back, now I’m taking it back!” he stated. Joined by friends in the industry who have rallied to reclaim Sexy from what they see as a blatant attempt to cheapen it, Timberlake is incensed with the treatment of Sexy at the hands of the pseudo Viz characters.

The war of words began when Sexy Sunday’s Lu Bricant posted a tweet of herself on a date with a poster of the former *NSYNC star. Timberlake continued, “The date went okay, but the poster was severely traumatised due to an occurrence in a taxi on the way home. The poster was left shaken and soiled.”

Deceased pop star, George Michael joined in with the condemnation. The ‘I Want Your Sex’ cadaver tweeted “The industry must do more to protect Sexy from the seedy intentions of middle aged nymphomaniacs #merchandiselivesmatter”

Rod Stewart has also been vocal in his views on the subject. The ‘Do Ya Think I’m Sexy’, Cockney-in-a-kilt took time out from exchanging vows with eighty-seventh wife, Sho Usdacash to release a statement through his secretary and soon to be, eighty-eighth wife, Car D’s Accepted. “What these people have done to Sexy is beyond words,” the pretend Scotsman began, “Sexy deserves far better than this and my thoughts are with Sexy’s family and friends during this difficult time.”

It follows similar reports that a David Hasselhoff doll, a Chris Helmsworth water bottle and various items of Take That tat were allegedly interfered with after being lured to a back stage area at a previous event.

Lu Bricant, who was employed by Tom Jones in the early 1980s as a screamer and knicker flinger at his shows is no stranger to similar controversy. Witness reports of her in what was described as ‘an unholy clinch’ with a David Cassidy LP in 1989 saw the former ‘Miss Wetherby Karaoke & A Kebab’ receive a lifetime ban from a bingo hall in Brighouse.

Sexy Sunday chief, Hazel Fettler responded to Timberlake’s claims. Speaking from the stock room of an Ann Summers branch in Castleford, Fettler was quick to reassure Sexy Sunday goers that the controversy would not affect the event. Waving a Harry The Horny Hedgehog sex toy in the confined space, she stated “Phwoaaaar!!!” and when questioned on Lu Bricant’s continued role in the organisation, she responded, “Phwoaaaar!!!” before suggesting our reporter attend their planned ‘Car Keys In The Jar’ toga event next April.

Whitby resident, Aletaster Walkingboot was unavailable for comment. We spoke to his wife who informed us that he’d been locked in the bathroom for three days after being handed a magazine in a brown paper bag by Sexy Sunday organisers.

WGW WOW!

Following their recent amicable, online bun fight with Whitby Pavilion operators, SIV, Top Mum are set to show the gothic world that they’re far from done.

In what many see as a move reminiscent of Danny DeVito’s ‘see what you’re missing’ naked, beach photo shoot which was clearly aimed at wife Rhea Pearlman following a brief marital breakdown in the late 90s, WGW chief, Jo Hampshire has put the ‘ostp’ firmly back into postpunk.

Whilst many, barely interested festival goers would have expected a mediocre, one-miss-wonder 80s pop group with no original members, Top Mum have raised the ambivalence stakes further still by booking a Meatloaf tribute act for their big goth night out, hosted in a fish and chip restaurant.

Three spokespeople for the biannual, ‘official festival’ which celebrates all things dark, gothic and alternative and is widely regarded across the UK and beyond as generally doing anything but supported the news. Speaking from the lounge of a pub, long since boycotted by organisers, the trio talked up the booking of the sweaty, soft-rock-ballad yodeller’s lookalike.

Shouty Nonzenss quietly wept, whilst Iyam Witderband stared open mouthed into the middle distance. Freya Loada, meanwhile ‘liked’ Gothtown on Facebook before simply getting up and leaving.

It is understood that both Gothtown and Absinthe Promotions, accused in the past of riding the coattails of WGW and Top Mum have taken note of the announcement. Absinthe are seeking to introduce stand up performances at their own events to mirror Top Mum’s shift from music to comedy in recent years, whilst an official Gothtown statement, printed on a promotional beermat showed a clear response by announcing a new event dubbed, ‘A Slow And Painful Death’.

We reached out to SIV for comment on Top Mum’s ‘come and get me’ plea, but we were unable to understand what was said during the brief call, due to what we’re assuming to have been a leak of laughing gas at their HQ.

Whitby resident, Aletaster Walking boot was pictured earlier today in Dunedin, New Zealand wearing a t-shirt bearing the slogan, ‘NO WORDS’. At 18,852 miles, Dunedin is the farthest, populated place on Earth from Whitby.

Rumble In The Humble

As the alternative community comes to terms with Top Mum no longer running events at the Whitby Pavilion, ugly scenes have broken out at Humble Pie & Mash, a veritable Mecca for those who don’t suffer from heartburn.

In one incident, a representative from Gothtown was witnessed enjoying a Chicken pie whilst supporters of an 80s night supped tea from a tin mug.

Humble Pie owner, Stay K’Nidney insisted that despite the squirmish, it was business as usual. Speaking to reporters outside, the master of pie stated, “If you ain’t got forty seven dogs, you ain’t comin’ in, got it?!”

News of the nine watt, coup d’état spread quickly with supporters from all sides taking to Facebook to air their views.

Posted from the lounge of a pub that organisers have long since boycotted, official WGW Cloakroom Lackey, Jim Jim Jim Jim Jim remarked, “[sic] fukin [sic] flurbim [sic] BAARGHlgy [sic] jjjjjjjjjjjghrly, I hate to ask, but could you loan me enough for a small white wine? I’d be eternally grateful.”

Meanwhile, organisers of Sexy Sunday released a disturbing pictorial statement of them with their eyes rolled back, licking a Boyzone CD cover and the caption, “Unnnnghffff”.

Stay K’Nidney was quick to quell the storm, insisting that it had been good for business, “Absinthe Promotions have placed their order into the next millennium, so I’m not complaining” the 1940s cosplayer and junk collector responded.

The local press have meanwhile devoured the story with a few pictures of asthmatic, middle aged couples in shit wigs, even shitter dresses and hired frock coats stumbling up the 199 steps.